Malcolm Lies about his Job and Occupation.

Malcolm at a party vs. Malcolm at "work"

So, Malcolm. You say you are a "Lawyer", or even an "Attorney". Some even refer to you as a "Solicitor" in England, but as far as I'm concerned, you are nothing but a liar. After doing a little research into your so called profession or "occupation", I've discovered that you do not work at a law firm. You dont even volunteer as a lawyer. You dont even have a degree in Lawing.

Every morning when you get up and put on your lawyer tie and your lawyer pants, you are living a lie. BUT YOU CANT FOOL ME! I know, all too well. Turns out, Malcolm, that you actually change into a large, badly constructed knock-off of a Cookie Monster costume and proceed to "Busk" in the subway with your equally un-eduated co-workers. You are actually seen here, on the right, playing xylophone in the Union Square subway station with your collegues Pink Ape and Skunk Dude.

(For those reading this who dont remember, Malcolm has been known to show up to the birthday parties of his "friends" in his work uniform (Cookie Monster Costume). He then proceeds to behave in an awkward fashion, parktake in the ingesting of various substances, sweat heavily, and then vomit inside the costume. As if that wasnt bad enough, he then continues to hug strangers, telling them that he "loves them", and that wow, hes really "tripping face". See picture above)

So anyway, Malcolm. Stop trying to pull wool over our eyes. Were sick and tired of you lying through your teeth. I know thats what laywers do, but guess what, YOURE NOT A LAYWER. you are a xylophone playing cookie monster who makes about $4.36 an hour playing in the subway. Its okay. we know the truth....and we hate you anyway.

But you are surprisingly very good at playing xylophone.

Malcolm Smiles as Girlfriend Chokes.

                

Well, Malcolm... Are you just going to sit there, smuggly, as your girlfriend chokes to death...on ice cream? Really? You obviously don't give a damn, and are using her for your twisted amusements. I mean, what kind of sick fuck just sits back and watches someone choke on ice cream? and SMILES? smuggly? With a beer?.... Are you really not even going to put down your Hoegarden and attempt to TRY to Heimlich Manuver? By the look on your face, i'd think that you really just want to see her die. I mean, look at her. She's desperate for help, and is a breath away from being unconscious. She's choking.  And you just sit there. C'mon. Seriously. This is NOT okay. 

We take a short break...

from saying fuck you to malcolm to say thank you. thank you malcolm, despite the fact that you deliberately squeezed me last night in an attempt to make me pee my pants, you made up for it with your good hearted and sound advice today. so, thank you and you need to squeeze harder next time. wait, i take that back...

kthnxbai

Welcome!

its only appropriate that the first post be a testimony from malcolm seymour v's mother:

malcolm came out of me with a crown on his head, thought he was royal or something!


malcolm tells me this account is not all fact..."and a cigar in my mouth bitches...step aside..."